In hell there's a big hotel
Where the bar just closed
And the windows never open, 
No phone so you can't call home
And the TV works
But the clicker is broken.
		-Billy Joel, "Blonde over Blue"

If I claim to be a wise man, 
It surely means that I don't know.
		-Kansas, "Carry On My Wayward Son"

Half a bee,
Must, philosophically,
Ipso facto,
Half not be.
		-Monty Python, "Eric the Half-A-Bee Song"

Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
		-Anonymous

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
		-Al Capone

No man is an island.  But if you tie a bunch of dead guys together, it makes a pretty good raft.
		-Max Cannon, "Red Meat"

The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.
		-Finagle's First Law (Larry Niven)

You can put three rabbis in a room and have a six-way argument.
		-Dr. Laura

If triangles had a God, he'd have three sides.
		-Yiddish proverb

Dice are a waste of sides.
		-Jeremy Cook

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-Arthur C. Clarke

Johnny was a little boy, 
But Johnny is no more.
For what he thought was H2O, 
Was H2SO4.
		-Anonymous

A dozen, a gross, and a score, 
Plus three times the square root of four, 
Divided by seven, 
Plus five time eleven, 
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
		-Omni

I believe that one in four people are critically stupid. Wouldn't you agree?  About 25% of the people you bump into,  you bump into because THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL THEY'RE
GOING!... So why are we worried about ten percent unemployment? I'm worried about those fifteen percent stupid people who DO have jobs!
		-Gallagher

I enjoy chaos and disorder.  Not just because they help me professionally; they're also my hobby.  You see, I'm an entropy fan.  When I first heard about entropy in high school science,  I was attracted to it immediately.  When they told me that in nature, all systems are breaking down, I thought, "What a good thing.  Perhaps I can make some small contribution in this area myself!"
		-George Carlin

And the waitress is practicing politics,
As the businessmen slowly get stoned,
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, 
But it's better than drinking alone.
		-Billy Joel, "Piano Man"

They don't make the future like they used to.
		-Isaac Asimov

And the three men I admire most, 
The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost, 
They caught the last train for the coast, 
The day the music died.
		-Don McClean, "American Pie"

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight,
Gotta kick at the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight...
		-Barenaked Ladies, "Lovers in a Dangerous Time"

Life is a zero-sum game.
		-George Carlin

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
		-Sam Goldwyn

To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
		-bryanst@microsoft.com

Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
		-Jeff Tymowicz

Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever, 
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone,
Some are satin, some are steel, some are silk and some are leather,
They're the faces of the Stranger but we love to try them on.
		-Billy Joel, "The Stranger"

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
		-Goo-Goo Dolls, "Iris"

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
		-Mark Twain

A payphone in L.A.  Look, it's a miracle.
		-George Costanza

The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.
		-George Carlin

Reason is the substance of the universe.
The design of the world is absolutely rational.
		-Hegel

If the real Jesus Christ were to stand up today, 
He'd be gunned down cold by the CIA.
		-The The, "Armageddon Days are Here (Again)"

Rags make Paper
Paper makes Money
Money makes Banks
Banks make Loans
Loans make Beggars
Beggars make Rags
		-Anonymous

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.  They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.  Well, I think my mother's attractive, but I just keep photographs of her.
		-Ellen DeGeneres

Humans weren't designed to bring each other happiness. From the moment we're thrown into this world, we're fated to bring each other nothing but pain and misery.
		-Psycho Mantis, "Metal Gear Solid"

Life is nothing. That's the real meaning. It is a painful, maddening, endless struggle between hardship and tragedy, with little joy in between. Likewise, the peace that everyone craves is accessable only through death. Wars end when a sufficient number of people have been slain. Only through death does one achieve true peace. All that "peace" is, a prelude between wars where the building of forces may commence.
Life is Madness.
Death is Peace.
IS THIS HUMANITY?
		-Leltill Biaer, "The Pilot Catalyst"

God-paybacks are an eternal bitch.
		-Dennis Miller

Paranoia is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible.
		-Anonymous

The Torah is just a long string of numbers. Some say that it's a code sent to us from God.
		-Lenny Meyer, in "Pi"

Knowledge is Power.
		-Francis Bacon

Know thyself.
		-Inscription on the Oracle at Delphi
		
Beware the advice of successful people: they do not seek company.
		-Dogbert

Jesus Christ went by on a bicycle.  That was my first warning that I shouldn't have taken acid...
		-George Dorn, in "The Eye in the Pyramid"

I'd have naked, upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime of the Monday Night Football game.
		-George Carlin, "Capital Punishment"

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. 
		-Bruce Baum

Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light. 
		-David Ferrier

I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner.
		-Hannibal Lecter

My soul, sit thou a patient looker on;
Judge not the play before the play be done:
Her plot has many changes; every day
Speaks a new scene; the last act crowns the play.
		-Francis Quarles, "Epigram"

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
		-Yogi Berra

You can check out any time you like, 
But you can never leave.
		-The Eagles, "Hotel California"

Still waters run deep.
		-Anonymous

Cthulhu for President, if you're tired of voting for the LESSER Evil...
		-Anonymous

Suppose that we are wise enough to learn and know and yet not wise enough to control our learning and knowledge, so that we use it to destroy ourselves? Even if that is so, knowledge remains better than ignorance. It is better to know even if the knowledge endures 
only for the moment that comes before destruction than to gain eternal life at the price of a dull and swinish lack of comprehension of a universe that swirls unseen before us in all its wonder. That was the choice of Achilles, and it is mine, too. 
		-Isaac Asimov

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 
		-Tallulah Bankhead

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
		-Dave Barry

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
		-George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
		-George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
		-George Carlin

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? 
		-Dick Cavett

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
		-G. K. Chesterton

If an elderly but distinguished scientist says that something is possible he is almost certainly right, but if he says that it is impossible he is very probably wrong. 
		-Arthur C. Clarke

He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves. 
		-Chinese proverb

Mankind differs from the animals only by a little, and most people throw that away.
		-Confucius

The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage.
		-Danish Proverb

I think; therefore I am. 
		-Rene Descartes

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 
		-A. Conan Doyle

He that blows the coals in quarrels that he has nothing to do with, has no right to complain if the sparks fly in his face.
		-Ben Franklin

An armed society is a polite society.
		-Robert Heinlein

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
		-Robert A. Heinlein

...[it] is to attempt seeing Truth without knowing Falsehood. It is the attempt to see Light without knowing Darkness. It cannot be. 
		-Frank Herbert (Dune)

Enlighten people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. 
		-Thomas Jefferson

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
		-John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
		-Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 
		-Groucho Marx

I am not a Marxist.
		-Karl Marx

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. 
		-Karl Marx

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
		-Karl Marx

Do not overestimate the decency of the human race.
		-H. L. Mencken

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
		-P. J. O'Rourke, "Parliament of Whores"

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. 
		-P. J. O'Rourke

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
		-Franklin D. Roosevelt

I know I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.
		-Socrates

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
		-Lily Tomlin

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.
		-Mark Twain

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-Mark Twain

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 
		-Mark Twain

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. 
		-Orson Welles

If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.
		-Voltaire

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
		-Anonymous

Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy."
		-Anonymous

Cat bathing is a martial art.
		-Anonymous

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
		-Anonymous

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
		-Oscar Wilde

A part of you has grown in me. 
And so you see, it's you and me 
together forever and never apart, 
maybe in distance, but never in heart. 
		-Unknown

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.  
		-Albert Einstein

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 
		-Albert Einstein

If my theory of relativity is proven correct, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew.
		-Albert Einstein

Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.
		-Freidrich Nietzsche

Science-fiction is the law-abiding citizen of imaginative literature, obeying the rules, be they physical, social, or psychological, keeping regular hours, eating punctual meals; predictable, certain, sure.
Fantasy, on the other hand, is criminal. Each fantasy assaults and breaks a particular law; the crime being hidden by the author's felicitous thought and style which cover the body before blood is seen.
Science-fiction works hand-in-glove with the universe.
Fantasy cracks it down the middle, turns it wrong-side-out, dissolves it to invisibility, walks men through its walls, and fetches incredible circuses to town with sea-serpent, medusa, and chimera displacing zebra, ape, and armadillo.
Science-fiction balances you on the cliff.
Fantasy shoves you off. 
		-Ray Bradbury

Go to the edge of the cliff and jump off. Build your wings on the way down.
		-Ray Bradbury

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
		-Woody Allen

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
		-Winston Churchill

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction?  Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
		-Mark Twain

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man--and I will show you a failure.
		-Thomas Alva Edison

If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case.  Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
		-George Carlin

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people...
		-The Refreshments, "Banditos"

It's Doctor Evil. I didn't spend six years of Evil Medical School to be called Mister, thank you very much.
		-Dr. Evil 

Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.
		-Jessamyn West
 
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
		-Arthur C. Clarke

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.
		-Robert Fritz

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
		-William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
                       
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 
		-John Mendoza 

What makes life worth living? To be born with the gift of laughter and sense that the world is mad. 
		-S. Scaramouche 

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
		-Albert Einstein

Isn't sanity just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean, all you get is that one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, well, the sky's the limit!
		-The Tick

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot - but I always found them.
		-Rodney Dangerfield

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.
		-Lynn Redgrave

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
		-Plutarch 

Darwinian Man, though well-behaved, at best is only a monkey shaved.
		-W. S. Gilbert

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
		-Mark Twain

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
		-Burt Bacharach 

One of the most difficult tasks people can perform, however much others may despise it, is the invention of good games...
		-C.G. Jung 

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
		-Frank Moore Colby

There is no conclusive evidence of life after death; but there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?
		-Robert Heinlein 

Now that you've found another key, 
What are you going to play?
		-The Beatles, "Baby, You're A Rich Man"

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
		-Homer J. Simpson 

Have you come here for forgiveness, 
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head?
		-R.E.M., -"One"

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.  There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody one heard it.  D'oh!
		-Homer J. Simpson

Marxism is the opiate of the philosophers.
		-Anonymous

To a man seated next to an attractive lady, an hour seems to pass like a minute. But take the very same man and seat him on a hot stove, and a minute will seem like an hour. THAT is relativity!
		-Albert Einstein

The Germans... were trying to cut in on our action.  They wanted to dominate the world.  Bullshit, that's our fucking job!
		-George Carlin

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
		-Steven Wright

I like pigs. Dog look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. 
		-Winston Churchill 

Peace, or Annihilation!  It's your choice.
		-Orbital, "Choice"

Only in America could a geek like me achieve the position I have.
		-David Letterman

Someday we will both look back and have to laugh, 
We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath.
		-Billy Joel, "This Is The Time"

But if you go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao,
You ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow...
		-The Beatles, "Revolution"

I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader?
		-Disraeli

Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
		-Obi-Wan Kenobi

My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.
		-Louis Adamic

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
		-David Russell

The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well.
		-H. T. Leslie

Tell me whom you love, and I will tell you who you are.
		-Houssaye

She don't like losing, to her it's just a game, 
And though she will fuck up your life, you want her just the same...
		-Genesis, "Invisible Touch"

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
		-Marion Barry

Did you know that what you call madness is actually over-acuteness of the senses?
		-Edgar Allan Poe

Look, it's called the Game of Life. You're born, you live, then you die. Billy got to the end, we killed him. 'Nuff said.
		-Anonymous

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
		-Homer Simpson 

'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
		-Sri Syadasti

There are trivial truths & there are great truths. 
The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. 
The opposite of a great truth is also true.
		-Niels Bohr

"Did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?" 
"But there is no house next door." 
"No? Then let's go build one!" 
		-Marx

The Nagas of Upper Burma say that the sun shines by day because, being a woman, it is afraid to venture out at night. 
		-Malaclypse the Younger, "Principia Discordia"

The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Furthermore, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't. 
        	-Malaclypse the Younger, "Principia Discordia"

All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense. 
		-Sri Syadasti

I should have been a plumber.
		-Albert Einstein 

Reality is the original Rorschach.
		-Malaclypse the Younger, "Principia Discordia"

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
		-Albert Einstein 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 
		-Jack Handey

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
		-Lazarus Long

Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
		-R. D. Lang

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
		-George Carlin

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.
		-Kahlil Gibran

Two men say they're Jesus, one of them must be wrong...
Meanwhile, the first Jesus says, "I'd cure it soon,
Abolish Monday mornings and Friday afternoons."
The other one's on a hunger strike, he's dying by degrees,
How come Jesus gets Industrial Disease?
		-Dire Straits, "Industrial Disease"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
		-Rich Jeni

We made them both up, sanctity of life and the death penalty! Aren't we versatile?
		-George Carlin

For life is quite absurd, 
And death's the final word...
		-Monty Python, "Always Look On The Bright Side"

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me.  And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
		-John Wing

If a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, 
he isn't fit to live.
		-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Man who say it cannot be done should not interrupt man doing it.
		-Chinese Proverb

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge 
increaseth sorrow.
		-Ecclesiastes 1:18

Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.
		-Dark Helmet

Cyberspace scared me so bad I downloaded in my pants.
		-Buddy Jellison

It's too bad stupidity isn't painful.
		-Anton Szandor LaVey

He who wants a rose must respect the thorn.
		-Proverb

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it
is a thing to be achieved.
		-William Jennings Bryan

The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
		-Bill Gates, "The Road Ahead"

Dreams are the touchstones of our character.
		-Henry David Thoreau

The dinosaurs died because they didn't have a space program.
		-Arthur C. Clarke

Every programming team has to have a fat bloke to write the code.
		-Tony Printezis

Western Civilization? That would be a good idea...
		-Mahatma Gandhi

One of the disadvantages of long hair, you look like a commie fag junkie.
		-George Carlin

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
		-Anonymous

Scientists are the pinheads upon which angels dance.
		-Anonymous

I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
		-August Strindberg

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perserverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
		-Robert Benchley

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right!  I never would have thought of that!"
		-Dave Barry

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. 
		-Bertrand Russell

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
		-Albert Einstein

God does not play dice.
		-Albert Einstein

Not only does God play dice, he sometimes throws them where they can't be seen.
		-Stephen Hawking

My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.
		-Stephen Hawking

The Universe does not have rules. It has habits.  And habits can be broken.
		-Anonymous

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
		-Frank Zappa

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.
		-Merle L. Meacham

May the blessing of the Bomb Almighty and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout descend on us all, this day, and forever more.
		-Orbital, "Desert Storm"

I know you're working for the CIA,
They wouldn't have you in the Maf-I-A...
		-Smashmouth, "Why Can't We Be Friends"

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
		-Albert Einstein 

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
		-T.S. Eliot

The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be ruled by interfering.
		-Chinese Proverb

There is a single light of science, and to brighten it anywhere is to brighten it everywhere.
		-Isaac Asimov

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
		-Thomas Huxley

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.
		-Charles Sanders Pierce

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
		-Henry Tillman

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. 
		-H. L. Mencken

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
		-Stephen Hawking

Any view of things that is not strange is false.
		-Neil Gaiman, "Sandman"

Don't hang on,
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.
It slips away,
And all your money won't another minute buy...
		-Kansas, "Dust in the Wind"

God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind, Ray Charles is god?
		-Anonymous

I put instant coffee into a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
		-Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
		-Steven Wright

Floppity floppity flip,
The mouse on the mobius strip.
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved,
In a chronodimensional skip.
		-Anonymous

Dear God, don't know if you noticed, but
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look...
		-XTC, "Dear God"

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-Albert Einstein

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
		-George Orwell 

Remember, your body is a temple; however, it's also your dancehall and bowling alley.
		-Dharma Montgomery

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
		-Rich Kulawiec

When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.
		-Nigerian Proverb

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.
		-English Proverb

Money doesn't talk, it swears.
		-Bob Dylan

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
		-J. Paul Getty

Canada's entire economy is based on ice; ice fishing, professional hockey, skiing.  Somebody with a lot of spare time and a blowdryer could bankrupt them.
		-Peter Lipphardt

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
		-Anonymous

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
		-Lieberman's Law

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
		-Carl Sagan, "Cosmos"

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
		-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
		-Robert Firth

Eternal nothingness is OK, as long as you're dressed for it.
		-Woody Allen 

Programing is like hunting a black cat in a dark room.
Modeling is like hunting a black cat in a dark room in which there is no cat at all.
Forecasting is like hunting a black cat, in a dark room, in which there is no cat, but someone shouting "Got it!"
		-Anonymous

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
		-Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

It was somewhat harder to find people willing to take a bullet in the name of sport.
		-Diablo

I've no doubt that [artificial intelligence] will be on the market during the next century.  Meanwhile, there are ample supplies of Artificial Stupidity available at very reasonable cost...
		-Arthur C. Clarke

The tree remains, but not the hand that planted it.
		-Irish proverb

You must be blind
If you can't see
The gaping hole
Called reality.
		-Stereo MC's, "Connected"

You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
		-Boris Yeltsin

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.
		-Jacob A. Riis

There's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, 
Love the one you're with.
		-Stephen Stills, "Love the One You're With"

Root canal!  Information is a root canal!
		-The Boss, "Help Desk"

You know what they're doing with your taxes? They're spending your money, hundreds of billions of dollars, on defense. To defend us from the Russians, the Libyans, the Iranians. When was the last time a Russian broke into your car? I'm not worried about Russians, I'm worried about Americans! You're going to defend me, defend me from Americans! Get my butt back from Burger King alive!
		-Blake Clark

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
		-Phillip Karlsson

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
		-Max Kauffmann

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
		-Erma Bombeck

I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
		-Albert Einstein

It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!
		-Abraham Lincoln 

Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.
		-Scottish proverb

Twelve highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion.
		-Scottish proverb

Confessed faults are half mended.
		-Scottish proverb

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
		-Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

My fellow Americans.  I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes.
		-Ronald Reagan

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
		-Carl Sagan

The people who oppose your ideas are inevitably those who represent the established order that your ideas will upset.
		-Anthony D'Angelo

I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
		-George Carlin

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
		-Lily Tomlin

A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy.
		-Benjamin Disraeli

If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune, and if anybody pulled him out, that, I suppose, would be a calamity.
		-Benjamin Disraeli

You don't know what you're doing,
Babe, it must be art.
		-U2, "Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me"

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
		-Steven Wright

I searched through rebellion, drugs, diet, mysticism, religion, intellectualism, and much more, only to find that truth is basically simple and feels good, clear and right.
		-Chick Corea

Work hard at several projects. That way, no matter what is going wrong, something will be going right.
		-Donna Hanover

If you can get nothing better out of the world, get a good dinner out of it, at least.
		-Herman Melville, "Moby Dick"

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.  
		-Rich Cook

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
		-Albert Einstein

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
		-Mark Twain

Whatever it is the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else.
		-P.J. O'Rourke

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
		-Satchel Paige

Discordianism is not just a religion; it is a mental illness.
		-Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst

"Top" management is supposed to be a tree full of owls hooting when management heads into the wrong part of the forest.  I'm still unpersuaded they even know where the forest is.
		-Robert Townsend

If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on top of each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
		-Norman Augustine

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
		-Eric Sevareid

I would be very ashamed of my civilization if we did not try to find out if there is life in outer space.
		-Carl Sagan

A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
		-Steven Crane

They showed an execution at some prison. The executioner said, "Killing a man in an electric chair is as easy for me as going to the refrigerator and getting a beer." I heard that and thought, "Well, scratch that guy off my A-1 party list. He'd be partying at my house and I'd say, "Hey, did you get my beer?" He'd look at me funny. "Huh? I thought you said kill your dad."
		-Bobcat Goldthwait

Evangelists say Halloween is the devil's holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, "I've got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think--I'll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers--and then I'll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! I am Satan!
		-Patton Oswalt

Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.
		-Jack Nicholson, "As Good As It Gets"

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
		-Steven Wright

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
		-Albert Einstein

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
		-Groucho Marx

I do not think much of a man who does not know more today than he did yesterday. 
		-Abraham Lincoln

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. 
		-James A. Michner

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning today is young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. 
		-Henry Ford

Alexander the Great so valued learning, that he used to say he was more indebted to Aristotle for giving him knowledge, than his father Philip for giving him life. 
		-Lord Macaulay 

I was Caesarian-born.  You can't really tell... although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.
		-Steven Wright

"I was in jail.  Wanna know why?"
I said, "No, not really."  Then I said, "Alright, you better tell me.  Why?"
And he said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel."
I said, "I remember you."
		-Steven Wright

Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?
		-Anonymous

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.
		-Steven Wright

I got on an elevator and this old guy got on with me.  I pushed the number four, and I said, "Where you going"?
He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed "Phoenix."
		-Steven Wright

Those things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born.
		-Scatman

"And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways", Yossarian continued "There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?" 
		-Joseph Heller

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?"
Death thought about it "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are Nice." 
		-Terry Pratchett

In a mad world, only the mad are sane. 
		-Akiro Kurosawa

Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. 
		-Mark Twain

One man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable stars;
and the world will be better for this. 
		-Mitch Leigh

Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death....Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. 
		-Bertrand Russell

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. 
		-Friedrich Nietzsche

It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. 
		-Peter DeVries

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. 
		-Ambrose Bierce 

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. 
		-Ambrose Bierce 

Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's? 
		-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche 

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 
		-Galileo Galilei 

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. 
		-Woody Allen

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. 
		-George Bernard Shaw

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. 
		-George Bernard Shaw

The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it. 
		-Anonymous

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 
		-e.e. cummings

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. 
		-Kurt Vonnegut

Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools. 
		-Gene Brown

Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes, and as much as he likes? 
		-Fernand Mery 

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. 
		-Oliver Herford 

Rule a kingdom as though you were cooking a small fish - don't overdo it.
		-Lao Tzu

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
		-Jeff Marder

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. 
		-Richard Harkness

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. 
		-Douglas Adams

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did. 
		-Anonymous

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. 
		-Samoan atty, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

"Oh, king, eh? And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!"
"Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"
"Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!" 
		-Monty Python

"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and -"
"Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?"
"Exactly."
"Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?"
"Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?"
"I don't know."
"Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?"
"Put it up to eleven."
"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."
"Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?"
[Pause] "These go to eleven."
		-"This Is Spinal Tap"

You gotta work out your own salvation, with no explanation
To this earth we fall, on hands and knees we crawl
And we look up to the stars, and we reach out and pray
To a deaf, dumb, and blind God who never explains.
		-The The, "Slow Emotion Replay"

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable. 
		-Henry Ward Beecher 

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. 
		-Buddha 

Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends. 
		-S. Weir Mitchell 

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. 
		-Warren Beatty 

The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame. 
		-Oscar Wilde 

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. 
		-Jeff Valdez 

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. 
		-Alfred North Whitehead 

An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise. 
		-Victor Hugo

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
		-Isaac Asimov

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! but rather, "Hmm.... that's funny..."
		-Isaac Asimov

The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
		-Winston Churchill

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
		-H.L. Mencken

Beware the fury of a patient man.
		-John Dryden

I can't understand a word you say. And you're poorly dressed. You must be some sort of technology expert. Or a rodeo clown.
		-Pointy-Haired Boss

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
		-Unknown

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
		-Albert Schweitzer

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
		-Unknown

People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.
		-Faith Resnick

There was never a genius without a tincture of insanity.
		-Aristotle

At the end of the game the king and the pawn go back in the same box.
		-Italian proverb

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
		-Scottish proverb.

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty.  I think only to solve the problem.  But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
		-R. Buckminster Fuller

I do not propose to discuss my love life.  I will say that I still can't get over how women are shaped, and that I will go to my grave wanting to pet their butts and boobs.  I will say, too, that lovemaking, if sincere, is one of the best ideas Satan put into the apple that she gave to the serpent to give to Eve.  The best idea in that apple, though, is making Jazz.
		-Kurt Vonnegut

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
		-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
		-Steven Wright

A Christian who does not try to push their views on me or on public policy is sort of like a person who is wearing a funny hat. You know the hat is stupid, and it sort of bugs you, but you try to ignore it even though it is huge and floppy and bright pink with big metallic-green feathers. If you can deal with the funny hat, many Christians are pretty OK; but sooner or later, they always have to ask, "So Kristin, how come YOU aren't wearing a funny hat?" and I have to say, "Please fuck off."
		-Kristin

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
		-Ronnie Corbett 

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. 
		-Stephen Leacock 

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
		-Ed Bluestone 

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
		-Steve Bluestone 

Annual drug deaths: tobacco: 395,000, alcohol: 125,000, 'legal' drugs: 38,000, illegal drug overdoses: 5,200, marijuana: 0. Considering government subsidies of tobacco, just what is our government protecting us from in the drug war?
		-Ralph Nader 

Fall seven times, stand up eight.
		-Japanese proverb

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
		-Confucius

Plot resolution is merely a plot device to permit more twistiness.
		-Josh Phillips

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
		-Douglas Adams

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
		-Henry Emerson Fosdick

Never in this world can hatred be stilled by hatred; it will be stilled only by non-hatred -- this is the law Eternal.
		-Buddha

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
		-James Baldwin 

I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
		-George Costanza 

The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
		-Mohammad

I couldn't help but say to [Mr. Gorbachev], just think how easy his task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet. [We'd] find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this earth together.
		-Ronald Reagan

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, 'The handle is one of us!'
		-Turkish proverb

There is nothing as eloquent as a rattlesnake's tail.
		-Navajo proverb

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
		-Garrison Keillor

Everybody gets enlightened at some point; most people are just too stupid to realize it.
		-Chris Battey

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
		-J. R. R. Tolkien, "Fellowship of the Ring"

Porn beer porn beer porn,
Beer porn beer porn beer porn beer,
I sure like college.
		-Anonymous

You do not love a woman because she is beautiful, rather, she is beautiful because you love her.
		-Anonymous 

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
		-Douglas Adams

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
		-Salvador Dali 

Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, six percent electricity, four percent evaporation, and two percent butterscotch ripple. That's a hundred and five percent!
		-Willy Wonka 

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
		-T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 

Les femmes sont un paradis pour les yeux, un enfer pour l'ame, et un purgatoire pour la bourse.  (Women are a paradise for the eyes, a hell for the soul, and a purgatory for the purse.)
		-Alexandre Dumas

Of course 90% of science fiction is crap. 90% of everything is crap. 
		-Theodore Sturgeon
 
In this galaxy, there is a mathematical probability of three million earth-type planets. And in all the universe, three million, million galaxies, like this one. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us.
		-Doctor Lenoard 'Bones' McCoy

"I'm not stupid!" In Bean's experience, that was a sentence never uttered except to prove its own inaccuracy.
		-Orson Scott Card, "Ender's Shadow"
 
Y'know what, I think drugs have done good things for us. I do. And if you don't believe it, then do me a favor: take all your CDs, all your tapes, all your records, and burn 'em. 'Cause you know the musicians that made all that great music that enriched your life: Reeeeeal fucking high on drugs.
		-Bill Hicks 

Remember: if the world didn't suck, we'd all fly off into space.
		-Anonymous

When a man is convinced he is going to die tomorow, he'll probably find a way to make it happen.
		-Guinan, in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" 

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
		-Terry Pratchett 

With enough practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog.
		-Calvin

Dr. Herbert constructed his monstrous creations by splicing wolverine DNA into heretofore innocuous facts, fancies, fallacies, and axioms of logic. When asked, "How could anyone possibly accomplish such a feat?" he thrust a snapping, snarling conjecture in my face and laughed as its claws scored my flesh.
		-"Alternate Internets", Emily Chen, ed.

Never, ever, EVER play Super Mario Kart on Rainbow Road after smoking weed.
		-Kae

Here's how, as the President, you know you're going a little too far...when Henry Kissinger, the carpet bomb fanatic, is the dove in the room, you're...you're going too far.
		-Jon Stewart

Don't tick off Jesus...he's feeling pretty cross today.
		-Jeremiah Smith

This guy came up to me and said, "You know, if Jesus had played baseball, he'd have been the best there ever was."  Yeah, like I'm gonna argue with THAT!  So I said, "You know, if Babe Ruth had been the messiah, we'd have beer and hot dogs for communion."  He left.
		-Bill Engvahl

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you love someone, you don't want them to suffer. You want to take their sufferings on yourself. Even if I feel this way, why doesn't God?
		-T. S. Eliot

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. 
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. 
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? 
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? 
		-Epicurus

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
		-Frank Herbert, "Dune" - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear 

The only thing separating holy writ from complete bullshit is your perspective. It's your only weapon. Keep the safety off, don't take yourself too seriously, and remember that at the end of the day, this is just an ant farm with beepers, and it takes zero politically correct assholes to screw in a lightbulb, because they are perpetually in the fucking dark.
		-Dennis Miller

Cats are the fauna of Mordor.
		-J.R.R. Tolkien

Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other planet in the galaxy can make that claim.
		-James T. Kirk

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
		-Voltaire

Capitalism is man exploiting man.  Communism is vice-versa.
		-Anonymous

In my dream, I was drowning the sorrows
But my sorrows, they learned to swim
		-U2, "Until The End Of The World"

William Roper: So now you'd give the Devil benefit of law.
Sir Thomas More: Yes. What would you do? Cut a great road through the law to get after the Devil?
Roper: I'd cut down every law in England to do that.
More: Oh? And when the law was down -- and the Devil turned round on you -- where would you hide? Yes, I'd give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety's sake.
		-from "A Man For All Seasons"

How about an ice cream company that sells evil flavors?  Like, say, "Schrodinger's Swirl".  Maybe there's a cat in it, maybe not.
		-Gregor Mendel, in "Goats"

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
		-St. Augustine

I'm gonna ask a question. What sort of music do you think there is in Hell? You know, H-E-double hockey sticks? Well, I think it's probably hateful, free-form jazz.
		-Kids In The Hall 

Those who love either the law or sausages should not see either one being made.
		-Otto von Bismarck

'Tis nobler to lose honor to save the lives of men than it is to gain honor by taking them.
		-David Borenstein

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
		-Mark Twain

Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud.
		-Sophocles

Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.
		-Winston Churchill 

You know why God makes babies so cute? So you won't kill them!
		-Gallagher

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
		-Denis Leary

This is the way the world ends... not with a bang, but with a whimper.
		-T. S. Eliot

If you don't have a good body, cover it the fuck up.
		-Drew Carey

Give me celibacy, give me constancy - but not yet.
		-St. Augustine

Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
		-Bertrand Russell

I will make a bargain with the Republicans.  If they will stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
		-Adlai Stevenson

I cannot conceieve of a god who rewards and punishes his creatures or has a will of the kind that we experience in ourselves. Neither can I nor would I want to conceive of an individual that survives his physical death; let feeble souls, from fear or absurd egoism, cherish such thoughts. I am satisfied with the mystery of the eternity of life and a glimpse of the marvelous structure of the existing world, together with the devoted striving to comprehend a portion, be it ever so tiny, of the Reason that manifests itself in nature.
		-Albert Einstein